Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize