he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize