So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
