No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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