you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you have to choose: penises or morals?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
