I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
