It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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