he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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