I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
