I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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