Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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