If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
