I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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