oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
