fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
