i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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