i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize