Grow some girl-balls and come out already
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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