I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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