I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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