maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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