did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Randomize
