if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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