oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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