did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
