I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
