Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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