Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
