wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
