maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
