i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize