I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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