i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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