bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
