he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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