I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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