don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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