my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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