her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
