Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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