Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
