bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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