Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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