I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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