o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
