he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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