Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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