when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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