He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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