I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
