My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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