my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
