she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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