When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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