I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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