Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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