these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
