So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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