I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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