Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
