Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize