If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
