I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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