He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
