oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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