I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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