Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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