How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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