What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
