things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You're a waste of cheezeits
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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